AUSTRALIA: Over 50? You Are Not Alone With Those Problems

SYDNEY (Ripe Publications), January 15, 2003: You are turning 50. Are you worried about your health? Do you feel stressed out, Have problems taking care of aging parents, Worry about your children, Wonder what's causing poor sex and mental anxiety, Feel obsolete at work, Concerned about your financial security, and Have no time for yourself? Are you fearful of what lies ahead? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are not alone. Most 50-year-olds are trying to cope with an array of emotional and physical problems; many are operating on automatic pilot. Here are just a few of the comments we heard during our research for this book: "I will fall apart before I hit 50", "My health is deteriorating", "I am afraid I'll lose my job" and "I have no hope for financial independence." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An extract from, Turning 50: Your Guide to Good Health and Happiness by S.Julia Huterer, Ph.D. and Hanan Al-Mijalli, MAEd. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The media is portraying us - your generation, the baby boomers - as happy and healthy, with high-paying jobs, children out of the nest and excelling at college. Apparently, your only worries centre around where to invest your surplus money or deciding where to go on your next exotic trip. Those images may apply to a few. The reality for most 45- to 55-year-olds is quite different. You are juggling questions about your health, your relationships, and your finances. The seed for this book was planted when we, the authors, started searching for answers in our own lives. We started to pay attention to our diets. We discussed strategies for getting fit and how to survive a variety of stresses. We brainstormed the possibilities for securing our hard-earned money. We debated about our children's rebelliousness, their ambitions (or lack of), and their uncertain futures. We realized we wanted to take better care of ourselves, to stop and smell the roses, to stay healthy, to explore new career ideas, to improve our finances, and dare to take new and bold steps. We were ready to make changes. Then, the idea of creating an information guide and a learning tool became irresistible. We knew that many others like us - people nearing or in their fifties - who wanted to re-assess their lives, face the realities, and take a fresh look at the possibilities. At this age, readers, like you, want to learn how to take charge of your health and happiness. In researching for information for Turning 50, we decided to send a questionnaire to men and women who were between 45 and 55. The responses were important in two ways: they encouraged us to continue our work, and they provided the bases for a good deal of material in this book. At 50, you hope to stay healthy, have warm relationships with family and friends, and be able to contribute to society. Although each person's background, expectations, and abilities are different, we can - and do - share questions about the future. This book concentrates on an assortment of issues you face in the mid-life - common problems and situations - and ways to deal with them. Our aim has been to help you make positive changes and make the best of your future years. We challenge you to survey, assess, and evaluate your life at 50. We all know we can do better. Should you? As one respondent to our questionnaire put it, "If you don't take care of yourself, who will?" ASSESSING ABILITIES People's abilities do change with age and, at 50, most of us are worried about becoming physically, sexually, and mentally unfit. Our survey shows that, although we understand the importance of challenging our body and mind, we are not doing enough to take care of what we have. Lack of will and the discipline to put forth effort result in physical and sexual fatigue and a lifestyle full of mental stress. This is a recipe for poor health and discontent. Yet simple exercise to music (musicopia), giving flowers to your partner, or reading baseball scores and figuring out how many games have to be won by your favourite team to stay afloat, can make you feel alive and vibrant. MEMORY Memory, in particular short-term memory, declines as we age, but wisdom, knowledge, and judgment often improve. Brain cells normally start dying off after you reach 20 years of age. Despite these losses, most of us feel that, on the whole, we’re smarter in our 30s and 40s and 50s, than we were during our childhood, when our brain contained so many more neurons. We are “smarter” partly because we can access our increasingly large store of memories built with the passing of time. Not being able to remember names or where you left your car keys, forgetting the hours for appointments, or your child’s birthday makes some people over 50 overly worried. I was dining with my friend and her sister, who was visiting from Wales, and we were talking about what her sister should see while in the city. I suggested they should go and see this beautiful gallery. But, I couldn’t recall the name. I remembered where it was located, what interesting paintings were on exhibit, and lots of other details, but not the most important thing, the name. I felt foolish and embarrassed, but they understood. Later that night, while sorting laundry in the basement, the name of the gallery popped into my mind. Obviously, my brain was somehow scanning and getting that information, although I had stopped thinking about it. That is very much a normal phenomenon, not really amounting to memory loss. These occasional memory lapses are normal, and are not an early sign of Alzheimer’s disease. In fact, many people age very successfully in terms of their cognitive (thinking) function -- the ability to take in new information, integrate it with what they know already, and use it. That’s what memory is all about. HOW MEMORY WORKS The memory processes depend on a chain of electrical, chemical, and physical changes to some of the brain’s 100 billion nerve cells, called neurons. From each neuron, projections (called axons and dendrites) branch out to form electrical circuits with neighboring neurons. The sensory information, received as electrical impulses, is transmitted by these axons and dendrites through junctions between the cells (synapses). In addition, chemicals called neurotransmitters are produced at the synapses to facilitate the passage of these impulses. Memorization, reinforced by repetition or rehearsal, increases the number of neurotransmitters and synapses. It also stimulates an increase in the size of the cell bodies and the number of their smaller dendrites. Neuron loss, decrease in number of dendrites and loss of synaptic connections can all reduce a person’s ability to process new incoming information rapidly, or to immediately retrieve (from a long-term memory) what we already know. Although old age is often equated with senility and dementia (a decline in intellectual abilities such as language, memory, and abstract thought), less than 15% of the population ever suffers from any form of dementia. Only 12% of people age 65 and over suffer from mild dementia, and less than 3% have real memory problems. BOLSTERING MEMORY At present there are no effective brand-name drugs that improve memory. Many holistic doctors believe that vitamins and herbs can improve mental performance. For example, vitamins A and E, are strong antioxidants that protect membranes of cells from damage by free radicals. B-group vitamins are important for neuronal growth. A diet rich in lecithin, a choline containing source used for formation of brain neurotransmitter, or of polyunsaturated fatty acids, which are abundant in brain cell membranes are considered as preventive agents to decline in memory. Herbal medications such as Ginkgo Biloba, which enhances brain circulation, and Ginseng, which helps to reduce stress, are considered as helpful supplements in slowing memory loss. Nicotine, though highly harmful for your general health, is shown to enhance brain function. Estrogen, a hormone helpful in preventing osteoporosis in older women, is believed to slow development of Alzheimer’s disease. Although no magic pill exists to bolster short-term memory or to search out stored facts faster, other methods can help those starting to feel forgetful. Concentration, relaxation, verbal repetition, strong visual images, and meaningful associations are some of the ways to exercise your memory. • Write things down To fight those annoying short-term memory losses, make a list of things to be done, and keep it where you can easily see it. Cross out the things dealt with, and keep adding new chores, underlining the urgent and important things, dates, and appointments. It really helps. • Avoid stress Much of our forgetting -- where we put our car keys, what the telephone message was, or even that there was a telephone message -- is because we are often preoccupied, nonattentive, or worried. These disruptions prevent us from concentrating and, therefore, retaining a memory even for a short time. • “Have I told you...?” Forgetting what we said and then repeating ourselves becomes more frequent. We know how boring it is to listen to our friend telling us the story again. When talking to friends, at parties or on the telephone, you may say, “oh, have I told you?” and then wait for the “yes” or “no” before continuing. • Use emotions Emotions are strongly engraved in our memory. It is easier to remember something if you attach an emotion to it. Instead of just telling your partner to buy bread on his way home, you ask him to buy bread because you are preparing his favourite vegetable lasagna. Using positive emotions rather than negative ‘if you do not buy a bread I will scream’ you avoid stress, which only acts to destroy memory. • Associate in multiples Multiple associations are particularly good for remembering names, which seem to give us the biggest problem. The more memories you have about a person (has two dogs, volunteers in hospital) the easier it may be to remember the name. When the retrieval memory pool is connected, it can trigger faster. • Structure your life Leave or put things where you usually do, particularly things that you need and use all the time (keys, purse, watch, rings, etc.). Leave the mail in a special visible place. Attach your list of things to be remembered near the telephone that you use most of the time. It gives you more chances to review the list, and add important callers or information to it. • Repeat or rehearse new facts One of the best ways to store new information in either your short or long-term memory pool is by reviewing and repeating it several times. For example, to avoid overdue library books you remind yourself several times, ‘Today, I have to return library books. Then tell your partner or children that you have to return books. This reinforces it further. And the books will be returned. My Latin teacher taught me the saying, repeticio is mater studiorum (learn by repeating) 35 years ago. That was worth remembering. Use different combinations of thinking strategies to bolster memory, and keep stimulating the brain with mental exercises that makes you learning creative, happy, productive, and dynamic. STAYING MENTALLY ACTIVE The brain appears to be far more adaptable than we previously imagined. While many brain cells do die off and cannot be replaced, growing new and quicker pathways is the brain’s way of adapting. Evidence suggests that intellectual stimulation can retard memory loss. People who continue to read, socialize, play games, and take up new interests show slower cognitive decline that those who are bored, depressed, or have lost interest. So, use it or lose it! Also, stress hampers memory. It disrupts both short and long memories. Studies of animals under extreme stress show profound memory loss. Being physically active may not directly affect memory loss, but it can help you enjoy various activities longer. It helps you to look and function as if you were younger. To stay mentally active: • keep healthy • stay active • keep up with new ideas • read regularly • play games, do crossword puzzles • avoid stress • take regular vacations • expand and improve your interests • take courses or workshops • work toward a diploma or degree • follow current events • join organizations of interest and stay active. Reading is very popular for this generation, and we use it to keep mentally active. Many of us take all sorts of skill and craft courses. Some are taking educational credit courses aimed towards a degree. People who tend to perform best in later years have had higher levels of education. So learn, keep active, and reap the benefits of the new growth in your nerve connections! FITNESS Exercise may not prolong life, but most researchers agree it makes life better. At 50 we have a very good idea of what constitutes proper exercise for us and how important it is to stay healthy. What we seem to be lacking is a will to exercise. We need motivation and discipline in exercising regularly, and a drive to achieve the desired level. All of us who are generally healthy should do some exercise. Regular exercise brings so many benefits. It will: • enhance blood flow and delivery of oxygen and nutrients to all parts of your body • strengthen your heart and other muscles, • improve breathing capacity • burn more calories (burn fat when muscles work harder); control your weight • increase flexibility and mobility • increase energy levels, endurance • improve your digestion • maintain your bone density and prevent osteoporosis • decrease risk of heart disease • relieve arthritis pain Staying fit also affects how you feel mentally, and some exercise specialists go even further to say that regular exercise • helps you relax • makes you sleep better • reduces anxiety, tension, and depression • increases self-confidence • helps you cope with personal emergencies • gives you greater independence. Start exercising and become fit. Exercise regularly. Although you may not be interested in rigorous and vigorous fitness programs but prefer moderate, low risk, less competitive, easy-to-do, no-special-skills forms of exercise, we will focus on these types of exercises. We will stress the benefits of moderate exercise, and how to incorporate it in your daily routine, making it part of your lifestyle. With an increased sense of well-being you will gain will to exercise. By having fun, you will be able stay motivated, gain discipline to exercise regularly, and have a drive to achieve whatever level of activity you set for yourself. Will to exercise There are lots of excuses for not exercising or keeping up with those exercises already started. To hide the real cause, laziness, you might be using excuses of being tired, not having enough time, blaming poor weather conditions, feeling unwell, doing something more important, lacking good facilities, or needing a partner. Instead, try discussing and acknowledging the need to exercise, read about it extensively, ask friends what they were do for exercise, congratulated those who do it regularly, and start exercising, even just walking. I realized how beneficial even the most simple exercise, such as walking could be. As a cautious starter I decided to make a break mid-day and take a walk. A twenty-minute walk seemed simple and easy. At first I walked to the nearest store and back, to buy a small item, as if needing somehow to justify my walk. Even walking had to have a real purpose. It took me a while to feel comfortable with just walking around the block, knowing that the purpose is exercise alone, mainly to stretch all my muscles, to have a breath of fresh air, to prevent backache, to feel energetic, and to feel good. Now walking is a need, a pleasure, and fun. People exercise for many reasons: health decline, doctor’s suggestion, friend’s influence, hearing of a great new facility, having a good program at work, reading a book about yoga, wanting to lose weight, finding a place offering free classes, wanting to look and feel better, needing more energy, buying an exercise machine, joining a club. Any one is as good as another, as long as it can make you stop finding excuses and get you to start moving. For those with the least will, we urge you to start by: • learning about exercises that interest you • exploring various facilities and choosing a convenient location for your workout • finding a convenient time for exercising, weekends are a good start • joining: a friend for a walk, a workplace exercise program or a preferred class in a gym • finding a support group • exercising at home, have fun with musicopia • trying different exercises and sticking with exercises you like Start slow and easy. It is amazing how little it takes to feel better and reap the benefits of exercise. Motivation For me, learning more about the health benefit from doing simple daily exercise was my first motivation. I also wanted to become fitter and healthier, avoid backache bouts, and feel and look younger. My experimental 20-minute walk, more than a year ago, has now become a part of my everyday life. What kept me going was that I felt good about myself, not only by doing it but by achieving it. Saying “I am doing it for myself” is a great long-term motivator. The key to success is to allow yourself to think and care about yourself. It should become perfectly okay to view exercise as • your time, you deserve it • you are doing it for yourself • you benefit, you have more energy • you look good, you feel younger • you are committed, • you are successful, you are proud of accomplishment Often, especially for beginners, the motivation to continue exercising depends on the appeal of the instructor. Because of my backpain, a few years ago, I took a beginner aerobic class in our community centre. The class was run by a friendly instructor. She took a time to explain a correct movement, warned of possible movements that might lead to injury, explained strengthening exercises, emphasized breathing, and told us to do it our own pace. She also showed alternative moves if we found one or more too strenuous, or if we had back problems. On another occasion, I joined another class in a middle of the program, and I found that the instructor completely ignored newcomers like me. She was jumping and bouncing, which was clearly for her own interest and enjoyment, leaving many of us feeling inept and a nuisance to the class. Starting with a moderate level of intensity, one that is within your capacity will leave you feeling good afterwards. Evaluate your condition. Working out ten minutes three times a week is much easier to achieve than forty-five minutes four times a week. Gradually you can lengthen your workouts and step up the pace. Set realistic exercise goals that you know you can achieve. Be proud of your progress. Discipline Despite the increasing number of men and women who seem dedicated to fitness, many are not doing it regularly (three times a week) throughout the year. To stay fit, you should exercise regularly, all year round. I was exercising only when absolutely necessary, while fully aware of the consequences of being inert. A few years ago, when my back started hurting and my heart felt like it had repositioned itself in my throat after running a few yards to catch the bus, I firmly decided to start aerobic classes. The community- centre facilities were only a five-minute walk from my home, and they were free. I joined the beginner's class in the evening. I did it for a while, twice a week, then once a week. I did not enjoy it much. My back improved, then I quit. In our community centre, every September, January, and June, when new registrations start for different activities, there is a noisy lineup of people eager to start. In the pool or aerobic class, the first few weeks after registration, the crowd, the level of interest, and the enthusiasm are very impressive. Later, the picture is quite different. After two months, the instructors are fighting to keep a class going. Discipline is much easier to achieve if you choose activities that you like, that make you feel good. Many men, at 50, if active, concentrate primarily on weight exercises, skiing, swimming, tennis, running, and any other sport they enjoyed when they were younger. Women who participated in physical education at school, and learned to play a sport, continue to exercise and have fun with exercises. Regretfully, many women 50 and older were never involved in sports during their younger years. As a result, they do not feel comfortable exercising and tend to avoid it. For example, learning to ride a bicycle, swim, or skate is much more difficult in later years. Besides, our coordination is not as good when we are older. Bones are more brittle, joints are less elastic, we have less stamina, and we are less willing to look foolish. The good news is that there are many easy ways that we can remain active, regardless of our exercise background. Fortunately, fitness is no longer restricted to exhaustive workouts, marathon runs, or painful muscle build-up in gyms. Although physical fitness is associated with our body’s strength, stamina, and flexibility, fitness today has become synonymous with being active and perusing a variety of activities, from walking to ballroom dancing. Researchers have found that moderate exercise -- brisk walking, low-impact aerobics, and resistance training of moderate intensity twice a week -- can provide fitness and health benefits. For sedentary people, even housework, golfing, gardening, and bowling offer some health benefits. By being active and combining different types of exercise, even the shyest people can easily stay fit all year around. Engaging in more than one type of activity is healthier for your body because more muscle groups are put to work. Combining different activities makes it less boring, and easier to build activity in your daily lifestyle, winter and summer. For sluggish or sedentary people, start and stay with walking as your basic exercise and then add other activities to that. Once you have achieved a basic level of activity, try mixing walking and aqua-fit classes, walking and swimming, walking and yoga, walking and weights, walking and aerobic fitness, walking and musicopia or any other combination you like. By improving your physique and staying in shape, you can then learn new sports or reclaim old ones such as tennis, volleyball, badminton, table tennis, skating, or skiing. Achieving the goal Start modestly, pushing yourself a little more at each stage, until you have achieved your goal. The way you build better muscles or lungs is through repetition of movements in a slow, progressive manner. Add a half-mile to a walk, add a few laps to a swim routine, increase a notch in the level of intensity of your aerobic exercises, just press it now and then beyond its normal level. MODERATE EXERCISES Moderate exercises are now the exercises of choice, not only for people in their 50s, but of all ages. Moderate exercises reduce the risk of injuries, and are attainable to those people with less stamina, less coordination and who are less willing to look foolish. Several of the most popular moderate exercises are described below. Walking With proper layered clothing and good footwear, walking can be done by people of all ages and in almost any weather. It is an inexpensive and convenient way to get in shape, and a first-rate exercise program if done regularly. From a leisurely stroll to brisk walking, it provides exercise with significant health benefits. Walking extends the lower spine and puts the hips through an extended range of motion, which helps maintain good circulation and promotes the health of tissues around the hip joints. It stretches the hamstrings muscles at the back of the thigh and improves posture. Being a weight-bearing exercise, it helps maintain bone mass, thereby reducing the risk of osteoporosis and bone fractures in both men and women. As the arms and legs move in different directions, the thorax is also rotated, making walking a total body exercise. Brisk walking boosts the rate at which the lungs normally take in oxygen. It enhances the amount of blood pumped by the heart with each beat, expands the network of capillary blood vessels that carry oxygen to the muscles, and raises the activity of respiratory enzymes. A brisk fitness walk, or a walk on an inclined slope can burn the same number of calories as jogging. Walking is a simple and safe way to start. Begin slowly and progress gradually to the level you want to achieve. With time, you can increase your speed, then increase the difficulty by finding hills to climb. The pace of walking should not exceed the level of heavy breathing that causes difficulty in talking. Sometimes aches or pains in the leg muscles may be felt, but this should not last more than two days. After a long working day, usually spent sitting, a change in posture is very beneficial. Our spine is designed for standing not for sitting. Our muscles require work, our body needs moving. Start walking for exercise! Don’t forget that two 10-minute periods each day meets the minimum recommended requirement of 20 minutes per day. Make it part of your lifestyle. Here are some suggestions as to how to integrate walking into your everyday life, even for those with a busy schedule: • get off the bus a few blocks earlier and walk to your destination Our co-worker, who takes a train and a bus to come to work, now uses only a train. Instead of boarding the bus for the rest of the trip, he walks the 1.5 kilometres. It keeps him in a good shape and saves him $4 every day in bus tickets! Another friend, who does not want to sweat before starting work or during the work day, found a solution by walking part of the trip home. It helps her relax at the end of the hectic day and gives her time to switch to ‘home’ mode and plan her evening. • walk up stairs instead of taking the elevator One man we know starts his day by walking up six floors to his office, and ends it by walking down. If you work in a high-rise, get off the elevator floors early, or use the stairs when going for a lunch or a break. • try walking instead of driving to your local convenience store This can often be done during the week • walk your dog - on my street there are a few people who walk their dogs several times a day. They seem to be rather fit and in good shape. One lady, who lives a few houses away, walks her dog and has a surprisingly good fast pace and stamina. She’s 80 years old. Sometimes I feel that she is in better shape than me. • walking to do errands Walk to the bank, to get a newspaper, to buy groceries, or to mail a letter. Doing a walk for a purpose is the simplest way to start. With time, it becomes fun. Then you find yourself walking faster and further. • walk a few blocks with your partner Once you finish with dinner, washing the dishes and watching or reading the news, put on a comfortable pair of shoes (and layered clothing in winter), and go for a 20-minute walk to a nearby park, or school, or around a block in your neighborhood. • walk in the gym Walking tracks can be useful for people who do not want to walk outside, and who prefer the gym atmosphere. Some people like to time their speed and their workout; they like the sense of regularity and the professional atmosphere. They find it motivating, and they prefer a well-controlled group environment. • walk on weekends Try developing a habit of walking during the weekend. Perhaps you can set a destination that is a nice distance away, for a cup of tea or coffee. • walk with a group Join a walking club. Combine exercise with group fun. It can be a way to meet new friends • use a treadmill My brother in-law recently bought a treadmill. He is a runner and this allowed him to exercise in winter or poor weather conditions. This is also very good for people who have limited time available. Water exercises Swimming and aquafit programs are two ways to have good all-round exercises for any age group. Swimming is the best exercise because of the number of muscle groups used. It works out more than two-thirds of the body‘s total muscle mass. Swimming strengthens your arms, shoulders, torso, and legs. It places a vigorous demand on the heart and lungs, improving endurance, coordination, posture, and flexibility. And since the body is supported by water, stress is taken off the bones and joints. The buoyancy factor makes it especially good for people who are overweight, or have leg or lower-back problems. The water provides support for muscles and joints, making it ideal for those with arthritic pain. It also improves lung capacity, which is beneficial for asthmatics. The most demanding stroke is the forward crawl. The breast stroke and side stroke can be used as a change of pace between laps of the crawl. Cool water leads to a more rapid dissipation of heat, keeping the body temperature stable. After a good swim, you will feel very relaxed. Whether you can swim or not, aquafit exercising can provide significant benefits. For those with weak legs (or painful ankles or hip joints), exercising in the water is much more comfortable than exercising on land. The best way to start aquafit is in a class with an instructor. Check with your local swimming pool for availability of nonswimmer exercise classes. However, if you do not have time for classes you can try: • walking around in the shallow end • jogging in place • lying on your back while holding onto pool gutter and kicking your legs, drawing your knees to your chest • twisting slowly to right and left with your knees bent • lying on your back and crossing leg over leg • bouncing in waist-deep water with high knee action • walking in the pool waste-high and pushing water with both hands After a swim most people take a warm shower which adds to the rejuvenation of the whole body. The best time to start a water program is in summer, which makes it a more recreational exercise. Yoga As our bodies begin to show signs of wear and tear, and strenuous workout programs become too demanding, yoga can be an ideal way to exercise. Low impact and non-competitive, invigorating rather than exhausting, and with emphasis on keeping the body supple and the mind relaxed and focused, the ancient discipline of yoga can be practiced at any time of life. Postures and breathing are part of a system that aims to integrate mind, body and spirit. Yoga postures stretches, extends and flexes the spine. Postures exercise muscles and joints, keeping the body strong and supple. Done in conjunction with breathing, yoga’s postures stimulate circulation, digestion, nervous and endocrine systems, keeping you healthy and energetic. Yoga is quite different from most other modern ways of exercise. It does not aim to raise the heart-rate or work on specific muscle groups. The postures release stiffness and tension, help to re-establish the inner balance of the spine, renew energy, and restore health. Relaxation and breathing produce stability, reduce stress, and puts you in touch with your inner strength. Yoga is one of the oldest physical disciplines. Practiced for a thousand years in the East, the movements serve to bring new level of physical vitality and mental clarity. It is not surprising that many of the yoga movements are now incorporated in aerobic classes as stretching and relaxing movements. Stretching exercises will increase flexibility, allowing you to be more supple. Flexibility is being able to freely move your joints -- not only the obvious joints such as your elbows, hips and knees, but also your vertebrae, fingers, and toes. You can do yoga at home. You can join community It is better to start with an instructor; and later, you can take it over by yourself. T’ai Chi T’ai Chi has been described as a holistic method of self-healing, a form of moving meditation, and a philosophical way of life. Health, relaxation, and self-defense are some of the reasons cited for practicing this traditional exercise, created eight centuries ago. Today, this activity is practiced by millions of people worldwide T’ai Chi provides physical, psychological, and spiritual benefits. It helps you become more flexible, freer in movement and mind, and healthier. Exercises are both medicinal and practical in their effects. It teaches you to relax and find your “centre." The movements of T’ai Chi are like those found in kung fu and karate, but the movements are not sharp or swift but smooth flowing and full of graceful simplicity. Conventional forms of T’ai Chi consist of eight or more movements. These take a considerable amount of time to learn and perform. To attain competence, you will need to study with a teacher. Aerobics This is an inexpensive activity, requiring only a suitable pair of shoes and other appropriate clothing. And you’ll need to schedule some time for classes. The word aerobic means using air. When muscles are used strenuously for a long period of time, they require oxygen from the bloodstream. Although fast walking and dancing are aerobic activities, the aerobic exercises usually refer to the structured aerobic programs that build cardiovascular fitness and make muscles stronger and more flexible. Intermediate and advanced classes, with greater levels of intensity, offer excellent exercises for those who want to maintain a high degree of physical activity. The frequency of aerobic exercise is ideally two to three times a week. The aerobic work-out run by a professional trainer, will begin with muscle warm-up such as stretching the primary muscle groups - hamstrings, calves, quadriceps (front of the thighs), hip flexors and shoulders. It then moves to the cardio exercises, introducing hopping, jumping or running which will gradually increase your heart rate. At the end of your workout, there is a cool-down period to prevent a sudden drop in blood pressure and protect you from becoming stiff and sore afterwards. Many trainers also include exercises that increase muscle strength and flexibility throughout the workout. For those with less coordination and less flexibility, less-strenuous low-impact aerobics are the best way to start. They involve less running, less hopping and jumping, preventing pounding on our weakening joints and causing other injuries. If you are a beginner, start slowly. Because trainers usually repeat most of the exercises every class, you will have ample of opportunity to master stretching and hopping. Don’t be intimidated by the younger, more flexible and more energetic people exercising next to you. Do not overdo it. If the class includes an exercise that is too difficult for you, substitute something easier. Set your own goals, know when to slow down or stop. To incorporate aerobics into an already busy schedule, look for classes near or at your workplace during the day, or near your home in the evening. Most aerobic programs last from 45 to 60 minutes. Most of the participants in beginner aerobic classes are women. Aerobics are very popular and are often offered free of charge at many schools, community centres, workplaces, and gyms. You should try to do it two or three times a week. You may go to two different places to suit your schedule. For those with very limited time during certain workdays, you might want to find a program with classes on weekends, or join a private club that offers more flexibility in instruction time. If you prefer, you can exercise in the privacy of your home following an instructor on television or video tapes. Because of tremendous popularity of aerobics, there are now many good videotapes and/or television programs with energetic, charismatic instructors. Muscle strength training Muscle-strengthening exercises are as important as a cardiovascular routines for toning muscles and protecting your back and overall bone density. After the age of 45 or so, people who have been sedentary rapidly lose muscle mass and, consequently, strength. The lost strength largely accounts for difficulty many have in climbing stairs or carrying groceries. Strength can be recovered by following an easy exercise program. The stronger and more flexible you are, the less likelihood there is for muscle and back injuries. Most of the exercises need just a small space, and can easily be done in your kitchen, living room floor, or at your workplace. You don’t have to lift heavy barbells, you can use a can of beans or a bag filled with rice. For muscle workout, do all exercises slowly. Repeat each exercise 5-10 times. Strengthening leg muscles: • Sit on a desk. Put a light weight on your ankles. Keep a foot flexed. Straighten, then lower each leg separately. • Sit on a desk. Put a light weight on your foot. Raise and lower the ball of the foot. • Hold on to desk. Put a light weight on your ankles. Slowly lift your heel toward your buttocks. • Hold on to desk. Place a thick book on the floor. Remove all weights. Put a ball of the foot on the edge of the book (heels free). Rise on your toes, then lower your heels as far as you can. Strengthening hand, arm and shoulder muscles: • Stand with your feet slightly apart and knees slightly bent. Hold down a light weight in your hands. Raise your hand outward to shoulder level, then lower it all the way down. • Sit down. Put a light weight in your hands. Place one elbow on your thigh, raise your forearm toward your chest, then lower it down. • Put a weight in your hands. Rest your forearm on a desk with a free hand at the edge. Curl the weight up, then lower it down as far as you can. Strengthening body muscles: • Lie on your back with knees bent. Remove all weights. • Raise arms off floor, raise head and shoulders slowly towards knees, hold for 5 seconds, then lower slowly. • Straighten right leg on floor. Keeping knee straight, slowly raise leg level of left knee; hold for 5 seconds; slowly lower. Repeat with left. • Pelvic tilt. Tighten abdominal muscles, tighten buttocks, and flatten lower back against the floor. Hold for 5 seconds, then relax. If you prefer, you can do more rigorous muscle-strength training at specialized weight rooms. Don’t do rigorous strength exercises every day. Do them on alternate days. Rest gives muscles a chance “to catch up” and to build up their fibers in order to meet new challenges. A laziness, not years, causes a major decline in strength and endurance. Musicopia Here's what musicopia can do. I love music, all kinds of music. The other day I was in kitchen preparing dinner, and I turned on my old radio. It was music from the sixties, and the beautiful and nostalgic voices of The Platters filled the air. As I was listening to the song, my feet started to move. Then, I stopped what I was doing and started dancing by myself, just for fun. When the song was over, I realized that I had one the most enjoyable five-minute exercise ever. During the following song, I decided to dance-exercise again. This time I drew down the blinds on the kitchen window, so that my neighbour wouldn't get the wrong idea. I felt great, emotionally and physically. I decided to do it again the next day. The music on the radio was different, but the fun remained. I gave a name to my new exercise: musicopia (abundance of music). I do it for 20 minutes every day and I feel good. Anyone who ever learned the basic steps of any dance -- tango, swing, or waltz -- can do it, in any room at home, at any time of day, in any attire, barefoot or in slippers. You can make mistakes, you can improvise, you can do it slow or fast, you can hold your hands up or swing your arms to increase the heart rate. Just keep moving for the duration of the song. Except for feeling foolish the first time you try it, you may find it invigorating and jolly enough to keep doing it daily. The music, especially if it's a favourite from those "good old days," will put you in a great mood. Hope you still have that old radio. Movements with music are capturing more and more mid-lifers, from bellydancing to ballroom dancing. Dance classes give a great workout; the music alone motivates movement. Active, vigorous dancing, including square dancing and line dancing, is a very good form of exercise for endurance. The effect on your heart is best if you dance for twenty minutes or more and are sweating by the time you are done. For many community dance classes, you do not need a partner. Just join a group and enjoy. PHYSICAL ASSESSMENT Before you start your new strenuous exercise program, you should have a physical examination to rule out any underlying problems such as dizziness, high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis or risk of heart disease. In particular, a stress test will detect any heart problems. The test is very simple. You are required to walk or run on a treadmill while monitors are attached to your chest to measure heart activity, blood pressure and pulse rate. Even if you consider yourself in good shape, start any new exercise at a relatively low intensity and gradually increase your level of exertion over a number of weeks. Rushing and over-exercising often leads to injury and quitting the program. Tips for all exercises • Stretch your muscles before and after exercising • Drink water before, during, and after exercising • Begin slowly • Finish slowly • Keep breathing while exercising • Try to exercise three times a week • Monitor your heart beat • Consult your doctor if you experience problems while exercising Most importantly, exercise should be pleasurable, done at your own level, and suited to your ability. SEX One of the people who inspired us to write this book was Dr. Ruth Westheimer and her guidebook to good sex. We admire and share her tenacity and positive outlook on life. I personally find the subject of sex not very easy to talk about, although a good sex joke makes me laugh. My husband is much more open and gleeful to the subject, and because we have a very close and warm relationship I felt I could share with readers some of our experiences. We, the authors, have been happily married to our sole husbands for 30 years, so we have some claim to authority for our observations. We understand that sex implies far more than physical act. Sexuality is a combination of feelings and sexual desires, and sexual activities are a kaleidoscope of intertwining pleasures. I was in a store the other day, and I noticed a young couple choosing pears, slowly, one by one. Then, the woman started stroking her partner down his shoulders, and she put her hand in his back pants pocket for a few seconds. She repeated the patting and then they moved from my sight. I chuckled quietly to myself, thinking that other men would probably comment, ‘what a lucky guy’. It was a spontaneous, affectionate gesture, which they obviously had no problem showing. SEX AT 50? Should we curb desires and excitement, since we are long past the age of youth? Absolutely not. Should we be talking about or seeking ways to improve our sexual intimacy? Absolutely. Can we, at 50, find new romance? Yes. By mid-life, you have probably been in a long marriage or long relationship. With children leaving the nest, you and your partner's relationship and emotional intimacy becomes even more valuable. Not surprising, in our survey, most participants who were single, divorced, or widowed wanted to be in a long-term relationship and be more fulfilled emotionally. Despite changes and pressures, many couples in their 50s go on loving, respecting, and supporting each other. When older couples hold hands or walk arm in arm, it shows that relationship is alive, intimate, and special. We strongly believe that touching, hugging, kissing, patting, and stroking fosters an emotional intimacy between partners, which leads to a moresatisfying sexual partnership and an enrichment of the overall relationship. At mid-life, when physical sexual abilities start to decline, touching becomes increasingly important. No matter at what age, satisfying sexual intimacy releases tension, and it relaxes and rejuvenates you. It is the best antidote to stress. RECLAIMING SEXUAL INTIMACY Our survey found that at 50, stress, lack of energy, menopause, and sexual dysfunction affect our libidos. The women felt that their sexual desires had changed (decreased) while their partner’s had not. The same sentiment was echoed by the men. While the majority of respondents described their sex life as OK, some men and women expressed deep unhappiness about their partner’s lack of sexual desires. Although the physical aspects of sex may decline with age, sexual intimacy does not have to. Many older couples feel that they are constantly tired and overworked, they sense declining energy and desire for sex, but they keep accepting it, however reluctantly, unapprovingly, and unhappily. It need not be so. For most couples who enjoyed sex and had intimate relationships before -- and feel that their partners are loosing some of the interest -- intimacy can be reclaimed with little effort. A weekend or a week away from home, to a new place where nobody knows you, may be all that it takes. Just the two of you. Whenever we can afford, my husband and I try to go to the Caribbean for a week or two. We stay in a hotel that is quite comfortable. We find a room with a balcony that has a lovely view, where we can hear distant music sounds at night and see the stars, and where we have time for our senses. We become free of family and peer pressure, of competition, of worrying if someone is going to judge you. After a stroll on the beach and a glass of wine, the tension of everyday life fades away. The relaxing atmosphere is very important. We go where the beaches are not crowded. We let the sun and water caress us. Our physical and visual sexual stimulation increases and when we can shed our clothing, expose our bodies, and want to be sexually desirable, we are. It is surprising how many married people still think that their partners are attractive while laughing about each other’s imperfections and deficiencies. As Ruth Westheimer said ‘Long sexual relationships offer pleasure you can’t get any other way. Making love with the partner you have had for 25 years, who knows you better than anyone else, who has shared life’s ups and downs with you, is a royal pleasure’.” Not everyone has the financial freedom to get away for a “stolen” week. However the same benefits can be had for little or no cost. A romantic stroll in the park, hand in hand, appreciating the beauty of nature; a dazzling music show or a dance; or sharing a bubble bath can relieve the stress of day-to-day living. Women in particular consider romance, tenderness, hugs and kisses an inseparable part of satisfying sex. Touching even in passing, anywhere, even for a few fleeting moments, can build waves of anticipation and help create a rewarding, intimate relationship. Try sex in the morning when men’s libido is the highest. You need to keep that sexual pilot light burning. Woman may find it difficult to start new relationship at an age when their bodies are not in the best shape, but many people in their 50s are finding long lasting friendships and relationships. Romance can bloom after 50. An acquaintance who recently married told me that, when she was dating her partner, she would surprise him by dressing outrageously, in her bathing suit or fox fur, or stark naked. IMPROVING SEXUAL INTIMACY The success of two couples on their 50th anniversaries was summed up beautifully: “We never took each other for granted” and “People have to work at a relationship.” To observers, both relationships seemed natural and effortless. Giving your relationship vitality will yield immeasurable benefits and satisfaction. To get satisfying sexual intimacy, we need to warm-up our relationships. Improving sexual intimacy requires improving your relationship with your partner. The warmer the relationship, the more likely a satisfying sexual experience will happen. Many of us find that balancing our work, raising and dealing with children, declining health, struggling financially, and caring for immediate and extended family overwhelming. We find less and less time to talk, and often no time to keep our personal relationship passionate. We are together only when we are tired and have little interest in anything but to sleep. In addition, at 50, many women feel not in the mood, when menopausal hormonal changes bring discomfort and uneasiness, and men feel uncomfortable with the changes in their sexual performance. Yet, many adults complain that they are unhappy because their partners never seem to pay attention to them, never notice or comment when they feel they have made a change that deserves notice, or just do not reach out and hug or kiss them anymore. Do not let it become “normal,” particularly if one of you yearns for more emotional intimacy. Do not wait for others to help. Initiate it and do it yourself. Start with small gestures: • Give him a compliment. Say how much you appreciate something he has done. Say “thank you” when he puts dishes away; • Tell her how lucky you are to have a wife who is understanding, creative, independent. • Touch him, show your affection; • Kiss or hug her, show your excitement; • Buy a token present for her. A single rose or a bunch of cut flowers has magical power on improving woman’s mood • Go to a romantic movie or a dance Our friend who is a widower is dating a divorced women. She told me how they love to dance together, and how she enjoys those outings. When asked if she went to dances with her ex-husband, she said “never”. • Have conversation about your daily life and really listen to each other When my husband was on assignment three thousand miles away, we talked every day by telephone, sometimes three times a day. Chatting with my next-door neighbour who knew that my husband was away, and seeing a postman coming, I jokingly said: ‘Hope he is not bringing my telephone bill. Last month I paid royally because we tallied 30 hours on the phone.’ She looked at me, puzzled ‘I don’t know what to talk about after five minutes. • Have understanding and appreciation for the other’s concern My brother-in-law’s company has been bought out by a foreign company. He is worried sick that he will lose his job. Unfortunately, when he comes home and wants to relieve his tension, when he needs a sympathetic ear, she chides him for worrying so much about something that may not come to pass. Even if she is right, the fact is he is reaching out for comfort, understanding, sympathy. • Make your mealtimes at home special and relaxing I’m very glad that what I started a long time ago has become a beautiful custom. Every weekend, and especially on Sunday, I put some extra effort and prepare a favourit family food for a dinner. Even with children not being able to join every time, I still do it for two of us, and I know it is appreciated. • Entertain people you both care for Although I feel tired frequently, I keep the tradition of inviting our extended family for tea and cake on many weekends. We enjoy chatting, reminiscing and discussing new events. My partner and I feel energized and full of compliments when guests leave. • Do things together My mother-in-law use to tell me ‘leave everything and go out with your husband’. If your partner invites you to go out, don’t refuse, no matter how busy or uninterested in the event you are; your partner wants you to share it. You may be surprised how quickly your relationship will become cozy again and how fast you will be able to establish emotional intimacy and make the sexual intimacy more desirable. However, sometimes the main cause for decreased libido, especially for women in menopause, is a natural decrease in hormones, not only estrogen and progestin, but also of androgens (mainly testosterone) which play an important role in our sexual responsiveness. While much interest has been placed on estrogen replacement therapy, very little of interests has been paid to augmenting androgens. The androgens are more of psychological kinds of hormones, a strong emotional support hormones, which improve sexuality, well being, and libido. When the women experience lack of testosterone, that may impact on their sex life. Their libido goes down, and sexuality becomes something that they rarely think about. Unfortunately, because at the same time as that they are losing their testosterone, they are getting older, women begin to think that because they are aging they should not really be interested in sex, or have sex. That is not true. Similarly, some men, as they get older loose their androgens as well, and have problems such as lack of erection, thinking about sex, or wanting to have sex. A simple blood test can determine the level of testosterone, and the replacement therapy (which requires a proper monitoring to keep testosterone at the normal level) can and have in some cases benefited relationships and improved marriages. You should not jump on treatment with testosterone, but our main point is that women and men should know and be aware of it. Stress also affects our relationships and libidos, as well, there are myriad other health problems that can diminish sexual responsiveness. Menopause can result in vaginal dryness, with associated pain during intercourse. Men may become incapable of sustaining an erection; there may be a reduction in firmness, or perhaps even an inability to perform at all. Major illnesses can affect our sexual physiology. Some medications, especially the antidepressants, no question will lower libido. However, many of these are temporary diminutions of libido, and the libido comes back once the medications is stopped, the stress is removed, and the health is improved. But we need to move on with sex, from our previous macho approach that we might have had in our younger years. Fortunately, most older men and women prefer to move on. Sex is not just a coital act but the coming together of the joy created from a relationship built up over many years of marriage, or in a new relationship discovered in a late-blooming romance. It is never late to learn new ways to please your partner and yourself. Relax. Enjoy. EVALUATING RELATIONSHIPS Relationships are an integral part of our lives. Most of us want to have a close relationship with our children, our parents and friends. Sometimes expectations on both sides are not fulfilled and can result in stressful and grieving relationships. At 50, when the fear of loneliness is entering our mind, it’s time to re-evaluate our relationships and settle those unfulfilled expectations. Opening up and sharing our feelings with friends and relatives makes daily stresses, hidden anxieties, and even serious illness easier to cope with. We are blessed with a gift to give love and to be loved. Let’s use that gift. WITH YOUR ADOLESCENT CHILDREN My mother-in-law, who is 87 years, remembers vividly, when she was young, hearing her father saying to his friend, “raising children is the hardest job.” She also remembers how surprised she was to hear that, because she considered herself, her four sisters, and two brothers not at all difficult, rather obedient, respectful, and a very happy bunch. I feel just like her father: raising our two sons has been by far the hardest job. I often wonder if my parents felt the same way. I wish I had asked. When parents turn 50, their children are usually out of the nest, or almost out. They might still be at university or college, or in high school. A few parents might have children of younger years, sometimes as young as 8 or 9. Parenting is different for each age group, but usually most difficult when children are adolescents. While parents are dealing with the emotions of getting older, adolescents are developing their own independent personalities. So, tension is inevitable. Although some families experience little tension, disagreements in others are fierce, and disapproval of a teenager's behaviour can be much greater. When relationships between parents and children become tense, when understanding becomes misunderstanding, it is very difficult and disheartening for everyone. Sometimes the only thing to do is to be patient and not give up. For both authors, parenting has been the most difficult task. Here is one author’s story: My husband and I are from different cultural backgrounds. This enriched our lives far more than marrying our own kind would ever have done. And there were few disadvantages, until our children became adolescents. Then, the differences became all too obvious. My husband’s uncompromising views about boyfriends, pre-marital sex, late nights out, clubbing, etc. led to animosity, and our “Brady Bunch” family began disintegrating. Although I often disapproved of my daughter’s behaviour I wasn’t willing to lose her. After a couple of years of turmoil, our eldest daughter moved in with her boyfriend. We paid a high price in both pain and family unity for a long time. Although we have now compromised and see our daughter nearly every day, we still feel that past hurt. But she is our daughter and total banishment was too high a price to pay. We are not convinced her choice was a good one, but at least we will be there to pick up the pieces should her world come tumbling down. Here is the other author’s story: During the years when our children grew from young to late adolescence, my husband and I often talked to friends who had children of similar ages and who often complained about the behaviour of their teenagers. Some families had trifling difficulties, others were more serious, while we seemed to have been spared. Our children did well in school, enrolled in the gifted program; they spent a lot of time at home, and did not stay out late, and didn’t smoke. Everyone was telling us how lucky we were. We naturally expected a continuation of the smooth ride. Then a rebellion started, with such an intensity and such a depth of emotions, that it shattered us to the core. Why at all and why now? we wondered. After all, we gave them so much love, showing by example, spending enormous time, energy, devotion and goodwill in raising them. We educated them properly, provided guidance, protected and overprotected them, and were willing to make any sacrifice for their success and happiness. It was only natural to expect behaviour that met our expectations and wishes. Instead, we got a late-adolescent rebellion, first one son and then the other. My sons now describe it as the time of their emotional turmoil, unhappiness, and painful search for identity. We were criticized for all the things we did. We were blamed for their lack of interest in and slow progress at university, for the overzealous way we had raised them, for the way we lived our lives, and for our demanding approach to work. They lectured, argued with and insulted us, with such strength and conviction that it was impossible to reason for long. No book or educator can prepare you for that. We went through periods feeling mad at them, angry at ourselves, feeling sorry for them, and feeling hurt. Despite their sometimes intolerable behaviour, we never stopped trying to communicate, and we never gave up. What I now realize is that conflict is always a two-way street, and that both sides (no matter how unreasonable or ridiculous they seem and may always seem) have to share responsibility and acknowledge the other’s feelings. Both our sons felt strongly that we were controlling, pushy, obsessed with education, over-achieving, intimidating, and overprotective. We were found guilty of projecting our desires onto them, giving them no opportunity to make and learn from their own mistakes, or develop theirown identity and independence, and leaving them insecure and fearful. If they felt this way, then there must be some truth to their accusations. We assume that our children, because they were born and raised by us, will be like us. We think they can be molded to be like us, and we often expect them to achieve (and do even better than) what we have done. But, they are completely different from us. They have their own personalities, feelings and imaginations. The only thing we can do is to try to instill a sense of the values and precariousness of life, and help them discern good from evil. In this, I believe we did not fail them. Since all relationships are a two-way street, we asked our children to give us feedback and help us write this chapter. Their willingness and understanding were greatly appreciated. Now, with teenage years behind them, they also offered to give us their perspective on what they feel parents should know in dealing with adolescents. Try to treat your teenager like you would treat anybody else. I know this is difficult since, as parents, you feel that it is your duty to shape your children and make they do “the right thing.” But “the right thing” in your mind may not be “the right thing” in your teenager’s mind. Try to keep an open dialogue. If your teenager is saying something, with a certain vigor, that makes close to, or completely, no sense, it is best not to argue. Teenagers are experiencing certain emotions for the first time, and their bodies are changing in ways that are often difficult to comprehend. You may not understand them at times; chances are that it’s because your teenagers don’t understand themselves either. Accept the fact that the problems you had as a teenager are different from the concerns of your teenagers. Social structures and values are changing. What was once unacceptable behaviour is becoming acceptable. Teenagers are dating earlier; they are surrounded by and growing up with technology; they are watching the president of the United States telling the world how he wasn’t involved in “direct contact” with Monica when he was playing with his cigar. If you think your teenagers will rise above, or be indifferent to, social pressures, think again! Of course, you can’t just let your teenagers do whatever they want. However, you don’t have to challenge everything. Some things are just not that important. The best thing to do is to stay informed with what’s going on with your teenagers. Ask them what their friends are doing. Better still, talk to other parents to find out what their teenagers are doing. Get informed, and then come back to talk to your kids. Yes, address the issues, but don’t lecture. And, if you are upset, try not to let it close the communication channels. It’s better to know the truth and then deal with it. If you know you handled a situation badly, apologize. Teenagers appreciate it when you acknowledge that you were wrong, even though they may not say it. Honesty goes a long way in every relationship. Here are some final points to remember: • Express yourself honestly with your kids • Don’t jump to conclusions • Respect your teenager’s voice even if it doesn’t make sense to you. You should respect the fact that he/she is voicing his/her feelings to you. That should be appreciated in itself • Questioning your own child’s integrity is like questioning your own • Nobody is ever wrong • Do not blame your children • Do not blame yourself • Treat adolescents the same way you would treat anyone else, regardless of age • Respect their privacy • Practice positive reinforcement, and • Try to have some fun along the way, because everything’s going to work out. Believe in them. • Raising children is probably harder today than any other time. And it’s going to be even harder for your children when they are parents (you’ll be smiling a tad at your old age). WITH YOUR YOUNG-ADULT CHILDREN When children become young adults (ages 22 to 28), and if those children are still at home, the parents are looking forward, increasingly, to seeing them completing studies, finding jobs, and starting their own lives, and becoming independent. But parents also have more and more skepticism, worrying about that happening soon. In our survey, most parents expressed their relationship with children as loving and caring, and they want to keep this closeness; however, and most importantly, parents also want the freedom to live their own lives. A friend once confided in me: Before I was 21, my first husband left me and our 6-month old child for another woman. Not only had I an infant to take care off, but I had to support both of us. I shudder when I remember the miles I walked looking for work, the miserable apartments we lived in, and the rushing to pick my daughter up from daycare before the surcharge rates kicked in. My bosses did not seem to understand the demands on a single parent. And time before and after office work was completely taken up with caring for my child and our living quarters. Over the years I got pretty good at it and then, when she was 14, I had my second chance at happiness. Our marriage was wonderful; he was wonderful. A year later, I was a widow. I thought I would never emerge from the darkness. Now my child has graduated from university. She is a beautiful, intelligent young woman who still needs to follow her dream and go on academically to graduate level. But I am 51, and I need to be free, to follow my own dreams in the time left to me in life. I want to meet another wonderful man to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes I ask myself if I will ever be free to fulfill my own needs, although I love my daughter dearly. Young adults are staying at home much longer because of spiraling housing and education costs, the lengthy education required for specialized jobs, and the cost of high-end consumer goods, which can only be attained by living at home to cut expenses. Parents, on the other hand, now want independence from their children. For many families, it is a period that can be upsetting. In fact, the empty nest syndrome has become the cluttered nest syndrome -- or the revolving door. Of course, there are parents of young adults who understand that their children are no longer children, just as there are young adults living at home who are caring, considerate and trying to become independent. Then there are those who want all the freedom of adulthood and all the parental support of childhood. My friend, who is divorced, was taking care of and supporting her 22-year-old son, who went to school and lived at home. A year ago, her son’s girlfriend became pregnant and soon after they got married. For a while, her son (who was still at school), his wife (who tried to work from home), and the baby all lived with my friend. It was particularly difficult on her because, not long ago, she went through a nasty divorce and had just started to organize her life back to normal when this happened. However, it all ended well, with her son graduating, finding a great job and moving out. Parents in our survey had several complaints: “There is a lack of respect”; “ we are being asked to give freedom, including sexual, to our adolescent children earlier, while supporting them both morally and financially for longer periods”; “I feel my only option is to kick him out” ; “How long should we support our children?” Some parents are overly protective, especially with girls, because they fear violence and changes in society. Then there are those who keep forgetting that the 25-year-old is not a “child,” and that if you do not let the “child” out of the nest, the “child” will have a real struggle with adulthood. Many young adults do not leave or keep coming back home, because they can’t sustain financial independence, sometimes even when working. Also they are marrying much later in life. And, because of the continuous need to upgrade employment skills in a fast- changing workforce, staying at home is becoming more common for young adults -- and more worrisome for parents. If your child is now an adult, is still living in your house, and has, apparently, no intention of leaving, clashes are inevitable. So, what do you do? Can you live more peacefully under the same roof? The first solution is to communicate openly and to draw careful boundaries around what is an acceptable arrangement for you: • Discuss expectations, yours and theirs openly, keeping in mind that you are not dealing with a child. • Talk about obligations, i.e. whether they need to participate in family duties. Be specific about what you expect them to do and stick to it. • Stop doing everything for them. the days -- and years -- when they were children are over. • Promote independence. Do not be overly protective. • Encourage them to find work Help them only if they ask. • If they work, discuss whether you need them to share expenses, whether each person will shop for themselves, or share the shopping, whether they need to take care of their own meals. Be specific. • Allow for failure. By telling a young adult what is expected of her and then stepping back and giving her the freedom to do it --and the freedom to fail--parents help her grow up. • Do not allow rudeness. If your child is speaking to you rudely, let him know quickly that it is not acceptable, and that he will have to leave if it continues. • Communicate. Go over the expectations again and be willing to follow through if the adult child refuses to do his part. • Allow the relationship to mature into friendship. WITH YOUR PARENTS We all want to have loving relationships with our aging parents. Some older parents demand their adult children’s attention while others rarely ask for help and do not make us feel obliged. Elderly people usually prefer independence; they prefer to live alone, even those suffering from chronic diseases. They want to be in control of their lives and to be able to make their own decisions. The loss of independence -- social, financial and physical -- is a heartbreaking situation and is one of the underlining causes of the unhappiness of my mother-in-law. It must be very difficult for a woman who raised five children, who was a capable housekeeper with a rewarding social life, to find herself completely dependent on her children for financial, medical, and social support. On the other hand, her children are faced with round-the-clock care of an unhappy, feeble and demanding 87-year-old. They also have to run a household, have children to care for and jobs to go to. It is a tall order for even the most kind-hearted. Some parents find it difficult to let go of parental power, even in their advanced years. They complain that their “children” don’t give them enough time or thought. Most children do care, and they often feel guilty that they are not doing enough for their parents. We want to be supportive, but this usually means sacrificing some of our own plans. The average age of the North American caregiver ranges from 50 to 65. And as seniors increase in numbers and live longer, millions of North Americans find themselves providing some level of care for elderly relatives. And most fear the situation will only get worse. ARE YOU READY TO BE A FAMILY CAREGIVER? Although most families consider taking care of aging parents as a primary duty, usually in the spirit of the customs and tradition of their parents, the burden falls disproportionately higher on women, who are already under considerable strain trying to balance workforce responsibilities, taking care of a spouse, children and a household. Agreeably, our generation has aptly been described as the “sandwich” generation. Expectations on both sides are often not fulfilled and can result in stressful relationships as well as a feeling of grieving at the unfulfilled expectations. Taking care of an elderly, can involve considerable stress, especially if it is for a long time or for a sick or difficult person. If, as often, caregiving is left to one member of a family it can lead to intolerable situations and ruined family relationships. A good friend of ours gave sixteen years of loving care to his parents who came from Asia, and who both lived to 92 years of age. He and his wife were the sole caregivers. They made changes to their house to accommodate the parents and sacrificed taking holidays together, but his sisters never gave them a helping hand, either financially or morally. The parents, on the other hand, as frequently happens, never showed much appreciation, were quick to criticize, and were more willing to support the daughters who did not want to take care of them. I remember several occasions when he was hurt and upset. He remarked that he should write down all the inconsiderate things his parents did over those sixteen years, and keep it as a reminder for the time when he reaches old age. It is sad, but the confrontations and lack of appreciation eventually led to the rift between him and his sisters. Many adult children who became primary caregivers complain that they have no one to discuss problems with. They are often left to deal with difficult situations alone. Ignored and misunderstood by other family members, many caregivers become irritable, stressed, and even depressed. It happened in our family. My mother-in-law is a strong, intelligent, highly opinionated, demanding, and often over-powering person. Unfortunately, together with many other refugees, she became homeless. With failing heart problems, no income, and no children or younger relatives left to care for her, she decided to come to Canada and live with her children. My sister-in-law is a kind and sensitive person who is quite capable in taking care of the sick and feeble. But taking care of her mother-in-law became overwhelming and took precedence in her life. She felt she lost her privacy, neglected her children, her husband, and her work, all of which slowly led to an intolerable situation. Fortunately, other children had agreed to share the burden for her care equally. However, even under our circumstances of equal sharing between four families, caring for a demanding elder often becomes difficult. I remember the time she stayed with me, when she felt frustrated, she would call the other family members to complain and ask if she could come there. Fortunately, the family had learned how to deal with those situations, and we are still trying to cope the best we can. Caregivers and care recipients often perceive the situation differently -- those receiving care rating are apt to take others’ efforts for granted. Copyright © Ripe Publications Pty Ltd