UK: Grandparents are much younger these days...take a fresh look at old age

. ABERDEEN, Scotland / The Press and Journal / August 19, 2009 Time to break the taboos which surround old age By Nicola Barry THERE can be very few of us who do not dread old age. That is because we are generally led to believe that age is some sort of disease which creeps up on us when we are least expecting it. We do our utmost to delay the process, yet, despite our resistance, despite the surgery, all the stretching and pulling, age is something to which we all finally have to succumb. It is surprising therefore how negative our image of old age actually is. We see it as a time for wheelchairs, ailments, for sags, bags and wrinkles; a time when our sense of humour fails for good and the Grim Reaper beckons. Bearing all this in mind, it was with some surprise that I found myself having a whale of a time at my best friend’s mother’s birthday party in Peterborough at the weekend. For several hours, I sat sandwiched between three 90-year-olds. The two women to my right were glamorous, dressed up to the nines, or nineties, and out to have a good time, come what may. One, called Mill, was telling us a story about how she, as a corporal in the Women’s Land Army, had jumped to attention once and her knickers promptly fell down. Mill was a character. Her husband of 49 years died in 2006 and she had come to the party with her new boyfriend, Les, who was blind. Les spent a while telling me how he and Mill, who couldn’t see either, met on a blind date; a story he clearly found hilarious. A few glasses of wine later, the other woman, Clare, whose birthday it was, in conversation with Mill, said she could just imagine them in 10 years, huddled together on the settee, celebrating their 100th birthdays. “We’ll have it at my house,” Mill said. Because Clare was deaf, Mill repeated it very loudly, adding: “I may be blind and you may be deaf and that’s not a great combination, but we manage to have a good time all the same.” Why can’t we hear more about the fun side of being 90 and less of the scaremongering from the government and others who would shield us from old age with constant warnings? Age is just a number in your head anyway. If you want to be a boring old fuddy duddy, you will, or, indeed, an unpaid servant. The truth is that elderly people, most of them grandparents, have been belittled by successive generations. Either we treat them as unpaid scivvies, instead of allowing them to lead fun lives of their own. There is far more to most 70 and 80-year-olds than an ability to babysit grandchildren. According to one report, almost 50% of the nation’s children are looked after regularly by their grandparents. We know that, in this country, they save working parents a cool £1billion a year. But it isn’t very fair. It doesn’t give them time and space to enjoy their own lives. Years ago these precious members of the family connected the past with the future, but now, with the high rate of family breakdown, their role is becoming more and more difficult to define. For ageing children like me, memories of childhood do, to some extent, include an image of grandma in a pinny baking scones and grandpa, with pipe and slippers, head buried in the racing pages. But all that has changed. These days, because of family breakdown, there can be a lot of stress associated with being a grandparent. For a start, grandparents are much younger these days and often play a major role in the upbringing of their grandchildren. As a result, divorce and separation have hit them hard, with more and more elderly people resorting to the law in an effort to maintain a relationship with their children’s children. Unfortunately, parents who hate each others’ guts tend to forget that those close to them also have feelings for the children. Yet this is a taboo subject. No one wants to talk about it. How many of us know a grandparent who once played a major role in the family who has then been effectively excluded after parents divorced? I know several. The horrible truth is that when cases do end up in court, there are no winners – only losers - as well as hurt, confused children who can’t understand why their beloved grandparents are not allowed to be with them anymore. I know one fantastic grandmother who has done her utmost to maintain her contact with both sides of a broken fence. She warmly welcomes her estranged son-in-law, his new partner, in fact - any extended family on the go. She is one of the lucky ones, the sort who will enjoy her 90th birthday party with lots of family members around her. The breakdown of the conventional family unit has an even darker aspect; yet another taboo subject. In Scotland, there is a growing problem of the abuse of old people. The most common form is financial: the illegal use of an older person's money, property or other assets; misappropriating pensions, valuables or property, forcing changes to a will and denying someone control over their personal finances. Mental cruelty can leave an old person feeling anxious and unsettled. A son or daughter may behave in a way that creates a fear of violence, isolation or deprivation for the old person. So many elderly people suffer as a result of sexual harassment, name-calling and other forms of verbal assault. While psychological abuse is common, old people may also be hit, slapped, kicked, even tied to chairs and left alone for hours. Enforced isolation is par for the course, with trays handed through a bedroom door in total silence. As a nation, we need to address these important problems associated with old age and break the taboos which surround them. Instead of dreading getting old, let’s look to party-going Clare, Mill and Les, who, despite their advanced years, know exactly how to enjoy themselves. [rc] © Aberdeen Journals Ltd