USA: Gray matters - Caregiving is shared responsibility

. ORLANDO, Florida / Orlando Sentinel / May 31, 2009 By Bard Lindeman | Special to the Sentinel Question: My two older sisters are leaving all our aged mother's caregiving to me. Is there any way, legally, I can force them to participate? — Ms. Dutiful Daughter Answer: In a word, "No." Sorry, this is less a legal matter than it is a moral and cultural issue. Moreover, the question at the core of your hardship frames a national issue: "Who will care for Mom now?" And at what cost in dollars and in other sacrifices? Meantime, here are two possible ways to deal with your sisters' inattention to Mom. First, write a letter to the sisters, carefully explaining what your mother's care entails, and how you have contributed in both time and money. Please, just the facts. Write it as an accountant would, without tears or hand-wringing, and do not assign either blame or guilt. Show this carefully crafted and sisterly letter to mother, before sending it. Strategy No. 2: Take Mom out for ice cream (or Chardonnay) and give her your best argument for full caregiving participation, again tamping down anger, resentment and disappointment. Remember, you are working to win a critical ally, seeking to gain Dear Old Mom's support. (Aside: You say that, to this time, mother does not accept that your sisters are abdicating, indeed "sitting this one out.") The point being that your mother perhaps has a greater chance of persuading your sisters that caregiving responsibilities become simpler when they are shared, shared equally and continuously. Years back, I read and celebrated Children of a Certain Age by Vivian E. Greenberg, social worker and author. Two splendid quotations from this 1994 guide for adults and their aging parents remain relevant: "You put such a stress on passion when you're young. You learn about the value of tenderness when you grow old." (Source: Joan Erikson, co-author with husband Erik of Vital Involvement in Old Age.) Further, on the point: Ms. Greenberg belabors the obvious, commenting that parents and children need one another — and how both must continue to grow and to learn: "to always be open to life's lessons." Finally, she writes, "In whatever time is left to us, and no matter how old we are, it is never too late to do the work of becoming wise." Your challenge, Ms. Dutiful Daughter, is to face your issue, admittedly thorny, and with uncommon patience and wisdom work through it — all the while holding your family together. If you accept that prayer could possibly help, I suggest that you begin now with a favorite entreaty. GRAY NOTES: Quote of the week: "Caregiving is a complex process [and] worth every bit of the scholarly research and popular attention it now receives. Because of the toll it takes on people's lives, it has become a focal point in social work, nursing, and psychology. In gerontology, it is bound to the quality of life for elderly women and men." (Source: Vivian E. Greenberg, Children of a Certain Age.) ... Melancholy fact: By 2019, Medicare and Social Security will represent (eat up) 40 percent of the annual federal budget. That figure, plainly, is not sustainable. (Source: Newsweek) ... Headlines of note: "The Forgotten Market Online: Older Women." (The Wall Street Journal) ... Fact: more than one-fourth of all Medicare dollars are spent in the last year of life ... and 80 percent of those deaths take place in hospitals. (columnist Ellen Goodman) ... Odd fact: For cruise fans there is the blog: "ShipCritic." Editor Anne Campbell writes of the popular focus on culinary themes. It figures, she says, because after all "you eat all day long." Ugh! ... Lastly, there is golfing expert Jackie Burke's advice on putting. The 86-year-old says, simply: "If you can roll the ball across the green with your hand, you can roll it with a putter. It's the same deal." Burke adds, "Nothing's a sure shot. So you've got to play with a certain recklessness." Bard Lindeman E-mail: bardlindeman@bellsouth.net Copyright © 2009, Orlando Sentinel