MALAYSIA: Never too late to bond

LIFESTYLE > Focus THE GAP By Fenny The Star, Malaysia April 27, 2008 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EVERYTHING was well planned: Dad was going to have his knee replacement surgery here in Malaysia, and Mum was going to take care of him after the surgery. Both were going to stay in our home in Subang Jaya, Selangor, until Dad was fit to go back home to Indonesia. But, as they say, sometimes things don’t go as planned. Two days before their departure, Mum slipped on a wet floor and badly injured her ankle. Making the trip here, therefore, was totally out of the question. As I wrestled with the bad news, it occurred to me that I would have to deal with Dad without Mum in the picture. I remember thinking, “Oh no, what am I going to do with him?” It wasn’t the prospect of having to take care of Dad that worried me. Strange as this might sound, I was actually worried that Dad and I would not have anything much to talk about beyond the two minute “How’s the weather?” conversation that we were accustomed to. Let me explain. My earliest memories of my father are of someone who was barely there in my young life. Mine was the type of father who believed that his sole responsibility was to provide for the family. He was a great provider, for he made sure we were all well fed, well clothed, and well educated. But a doting daddy he definitely was not. For this reason, I used to dream up an imaginary dad when I was little. Someone who gave me piggyback rides and tucked me in at bedtime. Someone who sat down and chatted and joked with me. In short, a father who was everything my real-life father was not. With such a background, it was not surprising that I was never close to him, and that I never quite knew how to talk to him. I never had to worry about this problem before, as Mum – the glue in the family – was usually close by and available to bridge the awkward silence between Dad and me. Not this time. As much as I dreaded facing the inevitable, I realised that it would be totally selfish of me to ask my poor Dad – who was suffering major pain in his bad knee – to postpone the surgery until Mum was able to come along and come to my rescue, should the need arise! So there I was at the KL International Airport with my husband and three kids, meeting Dad, minus Mum. There was no touching scene of a father and his baby girl running towards each other across the arrival hall. Just one incredibly nervous woman and one elderly man flashing each other somewhat uneasy smiles. Thank goodness the surgery went smoothly. Initially, it felt strange taking care of Dad. As he was immobile right after the surgery, it was up to me to see to all his needs, from helping him wash up to driving him to the hospital for his daily physiotherapy sessions. Busy as I was, I was eventually glad that all this created opportunities for me to get to know my father better. For the first time ever, he told me stories about his childhood. I was surprised to learn how strict his father was. My grandfather used to slap my dad for mischievous things done by his younger siblings – just because my dad was the eldest and was supposed to prevent such things from happening! My grandfather also often quarrelled with my grandmother, a woman he deemed “useless” because she was sickly. As I learned all this, I began to see Dad in a new light. I felt guilty for seeing only his “flaws” all these years. For the longest time, I had been so busy moaning and groaning about things he failed to do as a father that I never bothered to see beyond the obvious and find out why Dad was the way he was. Now I realised that Dad did not know how to be a loving father, as he himself had been brought up with so little love. He might not be a loving father, but he loves us all the same. He ensured his kids had everything that we needed – that was his way of showing his love. He worked and scrimped and saved so hard, and he never complained or asked for anything in return for his sacrifices. If it wasn’t for all his efforts, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to study overseas and meet my future husband there – and move back here to Malaysia and have the three lovely kids that I have! I never thought I would live to hear him telling me about the romance between Mum and him, or his “confession” that he liked my husband right from the moment I introduced him as my boyfriend! Indeed, Dad and I talked about everything under the sun during his recovery period, a far cry from the “weather talk” the two of us were so used to! All too soon, it was time for him to go home. At the airport, we hugged each other and said, “I’ll see you soon!” No more was said, there was no need. We both knew that he was flying home not just with his brand-new knee, but also with a newfound bond between father and daughter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Parents and their children at any age can have different points of view over just about everything. Or do they? Write in to show us where the generation gap closes and widens. E-mail starmag-gap@thestar.com.my Copyright © 1995-2008 Star Publications (M) Bhd