Sunday Thoughts On Everyday BehaviourWomen do not prefer 'gentlemen'
By Micheal Hoffman, Spa!
Take your chivalry and shove it, men. It's not wanted.
It makes women cringe. The disgust expressed to Spa! by a 20-year-old woman as she recalls a man offering her his seat on a crowded train puts it in a sour nutshell: "What's he think I am — pregnant?"
There's no mention in its five-page feature of how many women the magazine spoke to altogether, but the dozens whose anecdotes and opinions appear are all but unanimous in spurning what once upon a time was considered a virtue. Well-intentioned males will be left scratching their heads. Just where is that narrowing fine line between intrusive sympathy and heartless indifference?
You'd think a man holding an office building elevator for a woman running to catch it would be on safe ground, but no: "Not only was he keeping the others on the elevator waiting on my account," says a 37-year-old insurance-company employee, "there was no room for me; it was so crowded I was afraid I'd put it beyond its weight capacity if I got on. 'Hurry up and go already!' I thought."
"It was our first date, and every time we got into the car," grumbles a 31-year-old housewife about a former beau. "He'd hold the door open for me. Why all the fuss? Surely once is enough!"
"I work nights," Spa! hears from a 35-year-old nurse, "and with the odd hours I keep, it's not always easy for me to wake up on time. I made the mistake of mentioning this to a guy I know — who ever since has been telephoning me to let me know it's time to get up. He means well, I know, but really — waking up to the sound of his voice every day is awful!"
Kindness pushed to extremes oppresses more than it soothes.
"Once I got sick at my boyfriend's house," recalls a 22-year-old student. "I'm in the toilet throwing up, and he's standing right outside the door: 'Are you OK? Are you all right?' Well, no, I'm not OK, since I'm throwing up! I do appreciate his concern, but can't he let me puke in peace?"
A 34-year-old woman in publishing tells this story: "My boss knew I liked Doraemon, the cartoon cat, so he started giving me Doraemon dolls. He kept it up even after I quit the company, sending them to my house. Very nice of him, but what am I going to do with them all!"
Speaking of office gift-giving:
"There's this guy who's always buying little snacks for the women in the office — just convenience-store stuff," says a plainly unimpressed 33-year-old, also in publishing. "As he hands them out he's got this expression on his face: 'Isn't this thoughtful of me?' "
A finely turned compliment was once an adornment of social life, a delight to pay and a pleasure to receive. No longer, Spa! finds.
" 'Delicious!' says my husband every time I serve a meal" — this from a 24-year-old housewife. You'd think she'd be pleased. "Whether I've taken trouble over the meal or not, his reaction is always the same: 'Delicious!' " Would she accept disparagement with a better grace?
"We're three women working in the office," says a 28-year-old who squirms at being singled out for praise by a male co-worker. "He says stuff like, 'Your smiling face lights up the office' — while the other women are looking daggers in my direction. I wish he'd consider how hard he's making things for me."
Must we leave on so grim a note? Is there nothing to be said in praise of, if not knightly chivalry, at least elementary courtesy?
There is, and Spa! hears it from transsexual writer Mineko Nomachi. "When I was a man," she says, "it never occurred to me to carry a woman's suitcase for her. Now, as a woman, I like it when a big, strong man is kind enough to carry my bags."
(C) The Japan Times
