CANADA: "The 40-70 Rule" - Talking To Aged Parents Carries Its Own Taboos

MONTREAL (The Gazette), January 22, 2008: Parents should talk to their children about the problems their offspring face - everyone knows that. And it's a given that some issues are easier to address than others, sex probably being the toughest. Guess what? The same is true when baby-boomer kids have to talk to their aging parents. A new survey of baby boomers in Canada and the U.S. indicates sex topped the list of topics respondents felt uncomfortable broaching with their parents. Other areas where boomers hesitated to go included their parents' hygiene issues, inappropriate behaviour and driving ability. But according to Home Instead Senior Care, the agency that conducted the survey, it's important to bring up even the tough subjects. Along with the survey results, Home Instead - a company that provides home care through 20 offices across Canada - released a guide for families. Titled "The 40-70 Rule," it encourages adult children who have hit age 40 or whose parents are 70 to tackle such issues as living arrangements, driving habits and health concerns. "What we're saying is, it's better to address it up front, before these things become a crisis," said James Cooke, managing director of the Home Instead office in Etobicoke, Ont. "It's not a light conversation but it is necessary." Survey respondents - 500 in Canada and 1,000 in the U.S. - ranked victimization by fraud and health issues as the easiest topics of conversation with their parents. Death doesn't seem to be taboo, as end-of-life wishes and a parent's legacy or remembrance were next on the list, with about eight in 10 adult children saying they're comfortable talking about those issues. The most difficult discussions centred on personal hygiene, inappropriate or embarrassing behaviour, the right time to quit working and withdrawing driving privileges. The issue of driving "is a very sensitive thing, because in North America, a car is a symbol of independence," said Clarissa Green, a family therapist in Vancouver who works mostly with mid-life children and their aging parents. Talking about a parent's romantic life or sexual behaviour ranked dead last on the survey, with only one-third of boomers saying they have any degree of comfort with the subject. That aside, boomers are more active about broaching most topics with their parents than were people in their shoes 15 or 20 years ago, Green says. In fact, they can sometimes be too quick to gather information and take action. "If people treat it as if it's a business planning experience, it often backfires," she said, citing the example of those who swiftly sell off the family home after a parent has a health crisis, without recognizing the baggage that goes with it. "There's an emotional level; it's not just about logic at all." Green objects to the much-used term "role reversal" to describe the shifting relationship between adult children and their parents. It's a misnomer that invites children to infantilize their parents rather than treat them with respect and autonomy, she says. "What parents tell me all the time is that children change their tone and start using that sing-songy voice parents use for little children," Green said, adding that elders understandably fight back against that. Well-meaning adult children can also end up doing all the talking on behalf of their parents, Cooke says. By Shannon Proudfoot, Canwest News Service © The Gazette (Montreal) 2008