Family Photo: Gertrude McNally, whose husband, Richard, has Alzheimer's, took his new relationship in stride.By Janet Kornblum
WASHINGTON, DC (USA TODAY), November 20, 2007:
Betty Proctor remembers the day she walked into her husband's nursing home and found him with another woman "all cuddled up in his arms." Her husband, John, had Alzheimer's. Proctor, of Bellingham, Wash., knew it was the disease. But still, she says, "I was devastated. I cried all the way home."
It's not uncommon for husbands and wives with Alzheimer's disease to find comfort in the arms of fellow patients — instead of their spouses.
This year, a movie called Away From Her, starring Julie Christie as an Alzheimer's patient, dealt with the subject. And last week, when news spread that former Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O'Connor's husband, who has Alzheimer's, is apparently involved with a woman at his nursing home, many families could relate.
When Patty Doherty heard the news story, she immediately thought of the time her mother found her father in bed with another woman at a nursing home. Her mother, Gertrude McNally, now 83, was shocked. But Doherty, of Beach Gardens, Fla., says her mother took it in stride. Doherty set up a non-profit foundation and a website called The Unforgettable Fund for Alzheimer's families to share their stories.
"A man and a woman sitting in the corner holding hands, walking around the unit watching television together, is not uncommon by any means," says Richard Powers, associate professor of neurology and pathology in the Alzheimer's Disease Center at the University of Alabama at Birmingham.
"You've got to remember that this isn't about passion," says Powers, a geriatric psychiatrist and chairman of the medical advisory board for the Alzheimer's Foundation of America. "This is about two people trying to find friendship and companionship because they're lonely and lost and oftentimes frightened."
Powers says that sex in such situations is fairly uncommon and that often these relationships begin and end with hand-holding and flirtatious behavior.
Geriatric psychiatrist George Grossberg of the St. Louis University School of Medicine adds that sexuality between two people with dementia must be monitored closely, especially because men, more than women, can lose inhibitions and, at times, be inappropriately sexually aggressive.
"It's not a true expression of love because they don't know who that person is," Grossberg says.
Says Robert Butler, a physician and CEO of the International Longevity Center: "I suppose it's a reflection of how profound sexual feelings are even at that stage of life and under those circumstances."
Whether it's love or something else, there's no question people with memory impairments find each other and develop attachments.
"My father didn't remember my mother," Doherty says. "He didn't remember his children." But "he absolutely remembered love. And he remembered kindness and he remembered fear — all those emotions and feelings that make us the complex human beings that we are."
Alzheimer's doesn't rob a person of an emotional life, experts say. "A dementia diagnosis does not obliterate someone's awareness," says Robin Dessel, director of memory care services at the Hebrew Home at Riverdale in New York.
"It may take away memory of past life or what's not involved in your day-to-day life. But it doesn't obliterate your ability to … feel drawn to someone or something in your day-to-day experience."
Even so, a spouse who watches a husband or wife who has Alzheimer's appear to fall for someone else can be painful.
O'Connor apparently accepts the relationship, her son told a Phoenix TV station.
But emotion and logic are often two separate things, says Judy Holstein director of adult day services for the Council for Jewish Elderly in Chicago. She recalls a woman who was accepting of her husband's new relationship — intellectually.
"The memories are painful, and it was painful at the time. Any rejection in life hurts, no matter how rational the cause."
O'Connor, Powers says, must be feeling similar hurt. "I don't care how much of a stiff upper lip or positive external appearance" she has, Powers says.
"I am sure that this is all causing heartache."
Copyright 2007 USA TODAY
