SOUTH AFRICA: ‘Perfect’ Parents Have The Most Miserable Children

________________________________________________________________________________ * Parents trying too hard to “do the right thing” may inadvertently end up with less happy children’ * Kids cared for by nannies are more likely to be happy, online survey finds * South African parents, trying too hard to please their children, are uptight and overprotective. * The end result is an unhappy child, according to a new countrywide online survey of more than 6000 urban mothers. ________________________________________________________________________________ JOHANNESBURG (The Sunday Times), November 4, 2007: The nation’s parents should lighten up, says the Women24 Parenting Survey, released this week. “We ran this survey in response to our audience’s desire to find out more about general South African parenting trends,” said Sam Wilson, editor of Women24. “The results suggest that those parents trying too hard to ‘do the right thing’ may inadvertently end up with less happy children,” she said. The survey concludes that parents should take time out for themselves and not smother their children. Some of the key findings were: - Parents who went on a date once a week, without their children, had the happiest kids; - Youngsters were more likely to be happy when cared for by a nanny than by a stay-at-home mom; - Teens who watched no television during the week were nearly twice as likely to be cheerful; - Television viewing correlates strongly with bullying, and kids who don’t watch TV are less likely to bully or to be bullied; - Five percent of parents spank their babies . Girl babies were 10 times more likely to get a hiding than boys; and - Middle children were more likely to be unhappy. Chantal Rodriques, mother of 20-month-old Isabella, admitted that her world revolved around her daughter. “I am uptight sometimes and I do think of myself as a mother first, then a wife, a professional and a friend,” she said. Rodriques, a media sales executive, was quick to admit that she felt guilty about not being able to spend more time with her daughter. “It is very difficult to be a stay- at-home mother these days. Life is just so expensive.” But the survey revealed that, contrary to popular belief, stay-at- home moms did not have the happiest kids. Children cared for by nannies were the most likely to be happy, followed by youngsters at daycare centres. Parenting experts pointed out that the survey focused on an “elite” group of parents. Of the women polled between September 4 and October 4, 68% were white, 15% coloured, 9% black and 8% Asian. Venecia Barries, Jan Watlington and Sharon Paulus, social workers at the Parent Centre in Cape Town, cautioned that the survey was not representative of the country’s population as the vast majority of parents, without Internet access, had been excluded. They agreed, however, that parents should loosen up. “What we have observed in our work with parents is a felt pressure to be perfect, for example, to be organised all the time, to be loving all the time, to be well-behaved all the time, to be attentive to their children all the time, to be happy all the time, to live in the right neighbourhood, to ensure that their children have the latest IQ or EQ- enhancing toy, et cetera. “Of course this is impossible. Parents are human, after all,” said Barries. Adéle Möller-Grosse, a parenting skills facilitator who runs a community service for parents called In Touch Parenting, said one of the greatest mistakes made by parents was to neglect their relationships with each other. “The best gift you can give your child is a healthy and loving relationship with your partner. The relationship between mom and dad is the foundation of the family,” she said. By Bienne Huisman and Nashira Davids Copyright. The Times