USA: Medicating To The Oldies: "Viva Viagra" Is Only The Start

NEWARK, New Jersey (The Star-Ledger), September 6, 2007: The first time you saw it, you probably couldn't be lieve your ears. The TV commercial shows a bunch of still-attractive guys approaching the Centrum Silver years as they enjoy an impromptu musical jam at a roadside tavern. (A building conveniently furnished with a full-size string bass, but no matter.) They break into a peppy cover of the Elvis classic "Viva Las Vegas," only the chorus is now "Viva Viagra." They're manly men -- all jeans and flannel -- having manly fun. They're singing openly about erectile dysfunction, apparently oblivious to the fact it might help if there were a woman -- any woman -- within five miles of their gathering. As the song reaches its rompin' end, the guys jump into their trucks/ motorcycles/ convertibles and head off, presumably in hopes of finding a woman before the pills wear off. So much is discouraging about this: * The wrecking of a perfectly fine song, whose catchy pharmaceutical lyrics have already lodged in our brains like musical crabgrass. * The knowledge that said wreck ing is a very effective advertising tool that will no doubt be imitated. * The inevitable conclusion that kids will grow up thinking this is the real version of the song. * The realization that Elvis -- and by extension, his fans -- would be old enough to need Viagra. * And the certainty that if he were alive, he'd probably swallow a whole bottle just to see what happened. This will be just the first. More of these songs will come, of that we can be sure. We envision a Prilosec commercial using the hopeful yearnings of John Lennon: "Imagine there's no heartburn It's easy if you try Eat anything you want to Even pastrami on rye. Imagine all your meals Smoothly sliding down... You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one With Prilosec to help you Dinners once more can still be fun." Poor Aretha's "Respect" would be used to deal with PMS: ''S-T-O-P P-M-S! That's my goal, I do confess S-T-O-P P-M-S! Can't wait to stop the stress. Stop, stop, stop stop Stop, stop, stop stop stop! (Just a little bit) I ain't lying (Just a little bit)" Even marketing to children will go musical, with a toe-tap ping remake of "YMCA," complete with dance steps and hand gestures: "Young man, why can't you just sit still? I said, Young man, don't you know how to chill? Young man, there is help in a pill that can stop your squirming. (clap, clap, clap, clap, clap) It's time to work on that A-D-H-D No need to shirk from that A-D-H-D ..." We even predict pharmaceutical companies will eventually choose a medicine's name based solely on its suitability for lyrics. Oh yes, the possibilities are endless. Unfortunately. By Kathleen O'Brien © 2007 The Star Ledger