USA: Elderly must learn to cope with the idea they'll need care

BOSTON (MARKET WATCH), June 15, 2005: Seniors often say their biggest fear in life is becoming a burden on their children. And given that seniors are living longer and that they may become incapacitated in some form or fashion in old age, due to injury or illness, odds are high that their fears will become a reality. Many seniors will, in fact, have to depend on their children for care. Unfortunately, many seniors have a tough time getting over the "being-a-burden syndrome." What can children do to help remove or at least reduce this syndrome? Plan, plan, plan No matter what you do, you may never relieve your parents of their fears. "I don't have a good answer for you," says Robert Friedland, executive director of the Center on Aging Society at Georgetown University. "The amazing thing is that once a parent probably always a parent. You are always anxious about burdening your children." And Tom Beam, professor of insurance at American College in Bryn Mawr, Pa., says: "You've asked a very tough question. I don't know if you can." Whether you can or not doesn't however mean children shouldn't try. Indeed, one group that trains financial planners to work with seniors says the best advice is to plan in advance. "Lack of planning is a (senior's) greatest shortcoming," says Dan Danbom of the Society of Certified Senior Advisors in Denver. He says advisers can help seniors understand the possibilities they may face as they age and make sure they have a plan to stay independent for as long as possible. "In so doing, they minimize the 'being-a-burden' syndrome because the seniors aren't a burden; they're more self-sufficient," he says. Likewise, Seniors Inc., a Denver-based nonprofit that caters to seniors in need of services, says planning in advance is key. Children should talk to their parents about the tough topics -- health, driving, money and death -- as soon as possible, reports Seniors' Web site. "If it's not easy now, it won't be any easier months or years from now. It is far easier to talk to parents when they're healthy, physically and mentally, than when they're incapacitated or hospitalized. It is just very important to plan ahead. If you wait until you need this information, it's usually too late." Beam says the same: "Parents and children need to discuss the situation," he says. "Too little of that is done until it's too late. And then you can't have a very good discussion. Yes, it's uncomfortable to discuss, especially as people get older. It's a subject seniors like to avoid. But they need to think about it." For its part, Seniors says the object of the talks between parents and children is to get the information children need so that they can figure out what kind of help their parents may need or want. And since those needs and wants may change, children should not think about the "talk" as a one-time thing. The talk should also address what parents want out of life, what their biggest concerns are and what they cherish most. Here are the organization's tips for children who want to talk to their parents: * Discuss when you won't be interrupted and when you are all relaxed * Don't tackle everything in one conversation * Ask open-ended questions * Do not be judgmental * Don't pepper them with questions * Some children can use the direct approach, others the indirect approach * Involve others -- if it will help * Be open and clear about the facts * Listen carefully to their concerns -- don't just convey your own And some of the topics you might ask about are: * What are their biggest difficulties in a typical day or week? * What gives them the most satisfaction now? What are their biggest worries? * If someday they decide they can't remain in their own home, where do they wish to live? * What financial resources do your parents have? * Have they written wills, living wills and, if so, where are they? Seniors' Web site as well as AARP's Web site feature extremely useful advice for children who are or are about to become caregivers to their parents. Plus, AARP published a guide for children who are or about to become caregivers titled "Caring for Your Parents." Of course, all this is great if you have the luxury of time. But what about those children and parents who are in the thick of it? What can be done to relieve parents, many of whom need care as a result of a life-changing accident or injury, of their fears about being a burden? For his part, Beam say children should engage the help of professionals, including the "discharge manager" at a hospital or rehabilitation facility where a parent may be and a professional geriatric-care manager. The National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers has a Web site where children can find a care manager. At the end of the day, whether you have the time or not, the sad reality is that it won't be easy helping parents remove or reduce the "being-a-burden" syndrome. But trying will have its rewards. "Children feel just as guilty not providing care as parents feel about getting that care," says Friedland. "But there is value in providing care in terms of bringing closure to the relationship." Robert Powell is editor of Retirement Weekly -- a service of MarketWatch -- author "20 Tips for Retirement Investors" and co-author of "Decoding Wall Street." He is also developing a personal finance series for public television. Investment ideas for retirees and preretirees, tips on picking an assisted-living facility, plus more of Natalie Choate's 100 best and worst retirement planning tips are given in the RETIREMENT WEEKLY. Robert Powell has been a journalist covering personal finance issues for more than 20 years, writing and editing for publications such as The Wall Street Journal, the Financial Times, and Mutual Fund Market News. Powell will be speaking at the Symposium on Managing Retirement Income conference, June 22-24, 2005, in Boston. Visit www.iirusa.com/retirementincome for more information about this conference aimed at employees in the retirement-income industry. Check out the Web site. Copyright © 2005 MarketWatch, Inc.